Even after all the horrible mostly false shit you have said about me, my mother, and aunts….I STILL LOVE YOU. Even if I may never see you or talk to you ever again…I STILL LOVE YOU. The funny thing about unconditional love is that the worse could happen and the love is still there. When I see all this bullshit you write, my instant emotion isn’t anger. The emotion that I feel immediately is pitty, sadness, and love. I can speak for myself and the family, and say that I want the best for you…With all my heart I want the best for you and my little cousins. I want to see you succeed and follow your dreams. God planted a talent in you that no one on this earth has, and it is there for you to share a message with the rest of the world. I just wish you could open your eyes and see that the things that have happened weren’t done to be malicious, conniving, or evil. It was done because we thought at that particular moment you needed help. Which is FINE!! that year was hard for us all, and all of us dealt with the situation in different ways. You have to understand from the outside looking in. the predicament that you were in seemed as though you needed some assistance from family. I just don’t understand why you didn’t accept it. Yes, we all make mistakes, but I think this time you need to understand that you made one, by accusing your family from trying to steal from you and harm you. That day everyone was there to help YOU and YOUR children, even your sister was there. The one who you claim is the ONLY one who “has your back”, and she does, but so does the rest of the family.
You’ve said over and over again that the family wasn’t there to support you while you were growing up. Yes, that’s awful! The family should have definitely been there during all your engagements. As a teen that is the time when you are discovering yourself, and your true talents. The extraordinary gift that you have, someone should have been there to guide you. Unfortunately now that it has happened, it can not be changed, and your feelings will always remain the same UNLESS you sit down and have a REAL HONEST conversation with those who you feel should have supported you. I mean that!! Even though you say that you have blocked all these people out of your life, you will still feel the same way! The reason being is because you never got the chance to express how you feel to THEM! I know that you are hurting, it shows through all your statuses. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM relates to the family, that cleary shows that YOU havent moved on, and that’s okay. You’re not suppose to move on until things are resolved. Even if you rather not talk to ANY of your family ever again, you should atleast resolve it and then again go on your way… So then both parties would be on the same page. that would be the adult, responsible, and “Classy” way of handling thing.
This blog doesn’t need names in it, because all of my family and those who are involved knows exactly who I’m directing this to. The only reason why I wrote this instead of talking to you directly is because I know I wouldn’t of had a chance to say ALL the things I needed to say. I don’t care how you respond to this, or even if you don’t respond at all. just know that I do love you with all my heart, and will always love you with all my heart. i appreciate all the things that you have done for me, and YES you are one of the prominent figures in my life and made strong contributions to my upbringing. Someone needed to say something though! I just can’t continue to ignore problems, especially when it pretains to someone I love. Also just to let you know. I don’ care about your money, cars, houses, where you eat, who you’re with, where you vacation, etc. All I care about is YOU, and that is it!!! I do hope that you are happy, and I am so glad to see that you have brought yourself up out of the state that you were in from when I last saw you. You are a strong woman and everyone can see that, but those who are strong accepts support from those who offer it.
Like I said I don’t care how you respond to this. I don’t care if you block me, talk shit about me in your status, call me names, WHATEVER… The only purpose of this message is for YOU to read it. Again, I love you.
So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I think I needed to let my thoughts get collected before I posted on here. I don’t think they are fully collected, but what I have, I wanted spill out…haha. SO SCHOOOOL STARTED!!! So far I LOVE IT!!! I really do love it. This school has met and surpassed my expectations, BUT I do feel I should explore a different ground. I have this gut feeling that I am called somewhere else. I just feel like I should continue my education in a more stritct environment! So I’ve decided to actually spend a lot of my time to studying to get PERFECT grades, and prepare myself as much as possible to get myself in an institution that is a perfect match for me! I can say that being here in school has been a test within itself. I have so much more freedom to do a lot of things. Hang out with friends, go on auditions, etc. I’ve really limited myself to just work and school. I’m really proud of myself for that. I see the growth from high school. I see how it feels to be comfortable with your surroundings, and work with people who are just as insane as you are. The amount of knowledge I am gaining is unbelieveable, and to admire so many people at once is breath-taking. With all that said, I do have to shine light on some of the things that are a struggle to deal with. One, inconsiderate, selfish, vain, pompous, self righteous, ignorant, and snobby people is not pleasing. That’s a true test of patience. I’m trying not to stoop to that level by going the fuck off, but its so hard to keep your mouth shut. I keep reminding myself that I can handle way worse things, and this shouldnt get to me. I also have to remember that a person will act that way because of the insecurities they may have. A person with those traits would never go far or succeed, because one, people will dislike you (especially in the entertainment business) You are putting YOURSELF in the way of success. It is a such thing as distracting yourself or holding yourself back from reaching a goal. Usually a person that is so vain, is that way because of what others think. Let what others think fly out the window. It’s garbage and should be of no importance to you. All this stuff I’m saying is what I say to myself. Back to a lighter subject. I’m happy to have a new beginning. I’m doing a lot of things that I wish I would have done last year, which is audition for a lot of my dream schools! I’m doing as much research as I possibly can, and taking as much advice as possible. I’m sacrificing like crazy just to continue to take private acting classes. Which in a way makes me feel good even though I am spending my whole savings and checkings, and EVERYTHING at work on them once everyother week. LOL….I know this will all pay off in the end. Atleast I pray it do, but Im pretty sure God wants me to go this route. Performing that is! I have a connection to it, and I just cant see myself doing anything else. Its such a cliche line, but its true and really means so much. I just really hope I can do this with my bestfriend by my side. I just wish I could inject the same enthusiasm I have inside of her. I understand that we are two different people, and have different paths, but its just my wish. I guess thats one of my own little selfish ways. God just give me strength!!! Well…this shall be continued another day…
Bernell Bjai Lassai
It’s midnight, and today will be my first one on one private acting class. I must admit I am very nervous. Even though I know that this teacher is there to help me. I am just nervous to find out where my ability stands. I wonder is it bad for me to have these wonders!? Even though I want him to basically lay it flat. Do I have what it takes to be in this industry or not?….. All I can do is pray for strength, and guidance. I hope to soak up all the knowledge that is offered to me. I also can’t forget to show my appreciation to the teachers I have worked with so far! Allen Edge, the first person to work with me on my VERY first monologue!!! I remember feeling so extremely confident and ready for any audition to come. I truly thank him for taking time out of his day to do that FOR FREE lol. Second is definitely Jackie Taylor from The Black Ensemble Theater! This was an actors workshop which was A BLAST. One of my biggest dreams is to still be in a BET production! I have so much love and respect for that theatre company, and I would just love to be apart of it. Jackie was so relatable, nurturing, and stern. I’ll never forget her workouts!! the sit-ups, push-ups, running up and down stairs, but it was all worth it. The Showcase was amazing, and she pulled something out of me that I didn’t know existed. Third, The wonderful, AMAZING, Talented, loving, and generous people at The Goodman Theatre (GTS). I will never forget you guys (Khanisha, Tony, Megan, Kevin, and Amanda). You guys are so gifted!!! You guys taught me that theatre is limitless. You can do anything that you want! lol. My imagination has expanded greatly because of you guys. I understand the importance of view pointing, and I keep that in mind every time I perform. Its so useful!! Also khanisha, and Megan for writing those lovely recommendation letters. WOW that was so kind!!! Now to Dr.Miracle!! Mr.Robert Eric West, my very first vocal instructor. I can’t explain the nervousness I had before working with him. I literally thought he was going to say….”you can’t sing, there is nothing to do with this!” no joke. Before I went to him, I’ve had so many people comment on my pitch-problems, sight reading, technique, and it all just killed my self-esteem when it came to my voice. Mr.West changed all of that. He taught me good technique, strengthened my pitch, and built a perfect collection of songs for me to sing. When ever you need him, he is ALWAYS there!!! He’s such a great person to be around, and really does make his environment feel like home. I love the fact that he was my voice coach, but also helped with my monologues, and stage presence!! I really do plan on working with Mr.West for a very long time! Now last, but definitely not least, Roberta Duchak. OMG…………….. I’ve only had four classes with her, but she has done WONDERS!!!!!! It’s pretty unexplainable. There were so many small things that I did that would limit my voice, things that I would have never noticed. She did, and she fixed them! It only takes a genius. I seriously can’t wait to begin her class this semester, and when this years round of auditions come. I definitely hope shes not busy lol.
So I’ve finally fallen in love with two monologues. Now, I must learn them!!!! It’s so ironic that I am an actor, and FORGET THINGS ALL THE TIME!!! The process of me learning new material is a LONG and intense one. I just need to sit down, relax, and take myself into the setting of the piece. I think tomorrow, and the rest of the week would be the perfect time to memorize. I have a nice length flight tomorrow to Seattle. I promise myself that I will learn this monologue. I HAVE TO FOCUS!! Lol. The monologues are both extremely edgy. They are dramatic period pieces, and requires a full basket of emotions. Both monologues are explaining an event that happened in their past. I always seem to gravitate towards those kind of monologues, but I think they bring out the best of me. I can not wait to show these to my acting coach!!! I’ve also made the decision to get an acting coach. I might as well put my paychecks to good use, lol. I’m so freaking nervous, but I will be sure to tell him to tell me the COMPLETE truth!!! For some reason I am starting to think that people are telling me things that I WANT to hear, and it’s time for the truth, even if it is something that I might not like…. Well I must get back to packing!!!
Because I can’t sleep I thought it would be productive to write a blog. It would waste time, and get some things that were lingering in my mind out into the open. First thing, I LOVE MY JOB. I absolutely LOVE Macy’s, while there are some glitches and kinds that needs to be straightened the most part I lovem My. Job. Seeing different people everyday, making people feel good about themselves, and seeing so many different fashion styles. After being released from such a conservative upbringing, and being raised in the catholic educational system, you begin to see the rest of the world and how free it is. I am always in complete amazement at how creative people can get in their appereance, and it is becoming so inspiring. It makes me want to go write a song or script. It makes me want to go home and hone my craft or something. I’ve met sooooo many artist since working there! It is a great network of actors involved with theatre there!
Aside from Macy’s, my other job as an actor is surviving. I made the choice not to really audition for anything. I think I just need time to myself right now. To discover myself, and find different ways to explore roles. I am going to make an effort from now on through the rest of the year to read a lot more. I have started back reading monologues just so i could get sort of a fresh start. I think I will start taking an acting class very very very soon. I must say that ironically enough studying acting and singing is starting to get addicting! I just love going to these great professionals and picking their brains for knowledge. I think it is such a selfless act for a successfull individual to give up their time to help someone else succeed! I am so unbelieveable greatful for some of the acting and vocal teachers I’ve had. I swear when I’m feeling down, they always get me right back up, and give that much needed push! I have such a busy busy busy year. I have a lot of preparation, studying, and work to get ready for. I just definitely need to allow God to come through me….I need to pray for strength!!! I am making a decision that is going to require me to sacrifice a lot, but I am willing to sacrifice things for my dream.
I have to be honest that even though this my blog, and I am supposed to say everything that is my mind. I am holding back somethings. Not because I am afraid to say them, but because I am afraid to jinx myself. It seems like when I talk about something that I am extremely excited about it becomes jinxed. It could easily be something else, but I would say its me just being jinxed. So I am going to leave something to myself. lol I am just rambling. Goodnight.