Following A Dream

strange-no-limited-edition-yes: Certainly that’s me! During...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 23:09:41 -0400

Certainly that’s me! During this week I just eat eat and eat. Only cake. I am fat but I Love To Eat like shagy :) :P I don’t care :D

Orgasm.

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 09:00:03 -0500

Orgasm.

Dawn has my jaw on the ground. Her creativity, style, sound, and...

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 08:57:35 -0500

Dawn has my jaw on the ground. Her creativity, style, sound, and ora gives me chills! I’m excited for her future and MORE MUSIC!

Judgement.

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 08:41:35 -0400

Just wondering how I could become a better person. I wish there was a book on how to live life. Well I know the bible is suppose to help I guess, but I rather not read something that tells me I’m gonna go to hell if I do this or that… I have really been caring how a lot of people view or think of me lately. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I have a few thoughts tho. One, is perhaps because I am beginning a new school with new classmates. While at Columbia this past year I always said that I wanted to go to a school that is much smaller, especially within the theatre department. I have that now, but now I am really scared! Will i be good enough? Will I fit in? IDK but I need to move on from that topic. Next, I am crushing! I mean crushing on people! I have a good 5 crushes. It’s ridiculous BUT it’s legit. I feel terrible, because I slightly believe I am too old for this. My love life has been DEAD. Yup flat lined. I did a year in college and didn’t hook up or date with not ONE person. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but…well Im honestly not sure. Maybe it was the fact that I was preparing for college auditions for first semester, and in a rigorous rehearsal during the second semester. Are those valid enough reasons though? As you can see I am just completely confused..So many questions. Again that is why I wish there was a book on life. Oops i take that back! There was one person that I REALLY liked where I put in a bit of effort to date them, BUT I rejected I guess… Well I will say I never recieved a response. This makes me really afraid to pursue anyone else. I can’t lie tho, I am really ready for a REAL relationship. You the compromising, sex on regular basis, dates, cuddling, long phone calls, and texting all day. Im kind of ready for that and Im ready for it to be with someone who I really really like. I feel like my past relationships have been with people who i’ve grown to like, and that’s not exactly…exciting. I’ve been so self concious lately though…about my style, weight, height, EVERYTHING! I’ve been imagining myself as a different person. A fictional one that is. That was something I did a lot in high school. Even though its fun at times. I know its not healthy, because at the end of the day I am really unhappy with myself. I really hope this post isn’t sounding really depressing or crazy, because as I write it I feel pretty chill. I haven’t slept at all though! My sleep schedule is SO crazy right now. I know one thing is for sure! I need to stop smoking!! This summer I have been smoking lots n lots of cannabis. It’s pretty insane, considering that I was very anti smoking. This habit has definitely formed partly because it is a great getaway with one of bestest friends and secondly, it makes me feel GREAT! I feel so OPEN…FREE, but sometimes lonely. I can’t help but wonder what would an orgasm feel high….Sigh…. Next subject though. I MISS THE STAGE! Well I miss performing in general. I’m ready for classes to start. Like I said I’m scared, but still very excited! I’m ready to get back to singing, dancing and acting. I’m ready ready ready ready ready lol! Its gonna be a stretch, but hey, that’s cool. I just hope I have strength to last. Scratch that! I WILL have strength to last! I was reading my past post on here and it reminded me to SPEAK all things into existence. LOL I think i just answered some of my questions I asked in this post. I should really wrap up now because I began to write this blog with no actual subject and it has left me talking about everything. The main thought was to write some personal things just to simply get over the fear of judging. So here it is guys. This is taste of my brain. Congratulations if you got through this whole post!!!!! Love you

Bernell

<3

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 02:21:52 -0400

I’m so in love I want to cry! #SohappyIcouldDie

Photo

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 02:17:04 -0400

Brick Walls

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 22:14:43 -0400

The idea of giving up on college and getting a full time job sometimes appeals to me more than going to school raising massive amounts of debt and struggling, simply because I have so little support from my family. I don’t know if they are doing what they can or if they just simply don’t care. Most times i do feel neglected and that I am trying to reach a dream that is simply unreachable. Don’t get me wrong I am not looking for a fairytale, but definitely looking for a little bit of support. I haven’t seen or met many students who have been completely independent while going to school, especially when they have just graduated from high school. I have met some very very strong individuals who have waited a few years and worked full time jobs, THEN making the decision to get back to school but again very few. I feel like all my hard work is going unnoticed honestly. I sacrificed all throughout the year in school. I maintained a part time job while going to college full time. On weekends i spent every dollar I had to continue to take acting classes in the hopes of transferring to a top ranked conservatory in the U.S. I have reached every goal that I made for myself last year, and I am STILL walking into these brick walls. Trying to figure out a way to pay for my new schools tuition, still owing my old schools tuition, I need a new computer (One that will last), finding school supplies and required clothing (I am a musical theatre major), dorm room stuff, etc. Luck didn’t really work in my favor by me losing my job at the BEGINNING of summer…So now this leaves me with not enough time to find a new job and definitely not enough time to make the money that I need for the new school year. I swear I just want to throw my hands up at times. I really do…These times are miserable. I really just feel alone out here. I feel like I have been making some kind of mistakes since I was in high school… I have been trying to trust in God, but my faith seems to dwindle when these things just keep happening. I do have to give a big thanks to my Uncle though, he just always thinks of me. I hate to ask him for things because he already does so much for myself and for the rest of my family. My grandmother is the same way. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t of had a second semester at Columbia…I just feel like now that kind of treatment wont happen again nor do I want to have to ask for that again. Ugh I am rambling, but you can see this weighing down on me. I’ve found myself so uninspired thus resulting in me sitting at home sulking in my sadness…and partly because I have no money to do anything. I am falling into the normal statistic of typical black men… This is really depressing. So how will I break down these brick walls? Right now i feel my only option is to take a pillow and a blanket and just lay next to it….

Peace

Believe In Yourself!

Tue, 01 May 2012 00:48:59 -0400

I can’t believe my first year of college is finally coming to an end. I literally have about 3 days left! As I sat and studied for my voice final I thought about all the things I’ve been through just to get to the place I am currently at. I’m very happy with how my life is unfolding, and I believe that it is because I made the decision that after high school I would live everyday as it was my last. Taken from one of my favorite musicals “Rent” it really is “No day but today”… I really live by that saying! I can not believe I am saying this, but as I look back at elementary school and high school.. I was the underdog! It’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! I do wish I made some better decisions like getting better grades, choosing a high school that suited me and my artistic needs, and socializing more, but everything really does happen for a reason. If I had done something differently I probably wouldn’t be who I am today. That is the hard working, dedicated, ambitious, and perservering Bernell. I’ve definitely had some set backs, but I’ve pushed on and created goals for myself and reached them! I’ve come to the realization that I am human, I make mistakes, and I will fail…A LOT! I will continue to push on though. Last year after not having a chance to really put myself out there and audition for all the schools that I wanted to and not getting into the ones that I did audition for. I really began to feel a tad bit depressed. Doubting questions went through my mind… Am I not talented enough? Do I need to find a reasonable career path? Am I stupid? I had to tell myself “I am GREAT!” everyday telling myself that and just pushing myself to the limits even more! That meant working a job to pay for voice and acting lessons on top of going to an open admissions school to take some of the theatre classes they offered. I really had to believe in myself! I am so proud to say that the belief that I had in myself has gotten me somewhere that I am so proud of. I got myself into one of the best conservatory programs in the US! Webster University’s Conservatory of Theatre Arts for Musical Theatre! Like before I will continute to push on and work as hard as I can. I have to continue to create goals for myself! I have to continue to live everyday as it’s my last, and most of all I have to continue to really believe in myself and throw away all the negative and doubting thoughts that may sneak up. I WILL definitely make the best out of my educational career and I am so ready to make the transition into the life of hard core training and preparing in the field of theatre!!!!!

Douglas is so inspiring and talented! I hope to follow in his...

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:06:07 -0500

Douglas is so inspiring and talented! I hope to follow in his footsteps! LOVE THIS SONG!

Speaking it in existence.

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 22:57:34 -0500

Now that 2012 is here, I have re-routed myself to speak all things into existence! My big Sister Tiffany taught me this lesson on New Years day. Claim what’s yours!!!! I was moved by her telling me this, and I will live on with that motto. I have so many things that I am working on, and I am now CLAIMING IT ALL!!!! I have worked hard, I have sacrificed, I have studied!!! My goals will be accomplished in God’s name! Negativity is thrown out the window. I am accepting myself and my talents and they will take me to where I need to be!

I encourage everyone to do the same. All things are possible if you put your mind to it! All you need to do is say it to yourself with meaning or write it down if you have to! Doubt, hesitation, and fear are the things that are holding us all back. Break through the barriers that YOU have built in your brain and run to victory!!! Accept the knowledge that is offered to you by others, remember they didnt have to share this valuable information.

Right now I am in a state of preparation! Preparing my mind, body, soul, and gifts! I’ve absorbed all the adivce thrown to me and will continue to do so. I am claiming prestigous education and I will never give up on obtaining it! I am claiming a career in theatre… Not theatre as a hobby or side job, but making a WHOLE living!!!!! A co-worker today told me to simply follow and study what is in your heart! That is how I know what I am doing is right! It’s such a great feeling! I totally don’t mind spending my last on voice classes or acting classes! If that is what it takes…Then so be it! Greater things are to come in the future!

I am ranting, but I was definitely moved today. I am glad that I had the opportunity to sit down and think! I hope this message reaches others as strong as it has reached me!!

Peace

Bernell Bjai Lassai!

Video

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 23:29:30 -0500

tuesday9am: Groundhog! Groundhog! In honor of Daniel leaving...

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 23:12:57 -0500

tuesday9am:

Groundhog!

Groundhog!

In honor of Daniel leaving and Darren taking over…

ADDRESSING FAMILY!

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 05:48:22 -0500

Even after all the horrible mostly false shit you have said about me, my mother, and aunts….I STILL LOVE YOU. Even if I may never see you or talk to you ever again…I STILL LOVE YOU. The funny thing about unconditional love is that the worse could happen and the love is still there. When I see all this bullshit you write, my instant emotion isn’t anger. The emotion that I feel immediately is pitty, sadness, and love. I can speak for myself and the family, and say that I want the best for you…With all my heart I want the best for you and my little cousins. I want to see you succeed and follow your dreams. God planted a talent in you that no one on this earth has, and it is there for you to share a message with the rest of the world. I just wish you could open your eyes and see that the things that have happened weren’t done to be malicious, conniving, or evil. It was done because we thought at that particular moment you needed help. Which is FINE!! that year was hard for us all, and all of us dealt with the situation in different ways. You have to understand from the outside looking in. the predicament that you were in seemed as though you needed some assistance from family. I just don’t understand why you didn’t accept it. Yes, we all make mistakes, but I think this time you need to understand that you made one, by accusing your family from trying to steal from you and harm you. That day everyone was there to help YOU and YOUR children, even your sister was there. The one who you claim is the ONLY one who “has your back”, and she does, but so does the rest of the family.

You’ve said over and over again that the family wasn’t there to support you while you were growing up. Yes, that’s awful! The family should have definitely been there during all your engagements. As a teen that is the time when you are discovering yourself, and your true talents. The extraordinary gift that you have, someone should have been there to guide you. Unfortunately now that it has happened, it can not be changed, and your feelings will always remain the same UNLESS you sit down and have a REAL HONEST conversation with those who you feel should have supported you. I mean that!! Even though you say that you have blocked all these people out of your life, you will still feel the same way! The reason being is because you never got the chance to express how you feel to THEM! I know that you are hurting, it shows through all your statuses. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM relates to the family, that cleary shows that YOU havent moved on, and that’s okay. You’re not suppose to move on until things are resolved. Even if you rather not talk to ANY of your family ever again, you should atleast resolve it and then again go on your way… So then both parties would be on the same page. that would be the adult, responsible, and “Classy” way of handling thing.

This blog doesn’t need names in it, because all of my family and those who are involved knows exactly who I’m directing this to. The only reason why I wrote this instead of talking to you directly is because I know I wouldn’t of had a chance to say ALL the things I needed to say. I don’t care how you respond to this, or even if you don’t respond at all. just know that I do love you with all my heart, and will always love you with all my heart. i appreciate all the things that you have done for me, and YES you are one of the prominent figures in my life and made strong contributions to my upbringing. Someone needed to say something though! I just can’t continue to ignore problems, especially when it pretains to someone I love. Also just to let you know. I don’ care about your money, cars, houses, where you eat, who you’re with, where you vacation, etc. All I care about is YOU, and that is it!!! I do hope that you are happy, and I am so glad to see that you have brought yourself up out of the state that you were in from when I last saw you. You are a strong woman and everyone can see that, but those who are strong accepts support from those who offer it.

Like I said I don’t care how you respond to this. I don’t care if you block me, talk shit about me in your status, call me names, WHATEVER… The only purpose of this message is for YOU to read it. Again, I love you.

Photo

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 04:52:39 -0500

Photo

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:32:18 -0500

"Never stop jumping."

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:32:03 -0500

“Never stop jumping.”

- (via cookiecuttersmiles)

Get Ready TOOOO RAMBLLLLEEEE!!!!

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 00:45:18 -0400

So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I think I needed to let my thoughts get collected before I posted on here. I don’t think they are fully collected, but what I have, I wanted spill out…haha. SO SCHOOOOL STARTED!!! So far I LOVE IT!!! I really do love it. This school has met and surpassed my expectations, BUT I do feel I should explore a different ground. I have this gut feeling that I am called somewhere else. I just feel like I should continue my education in a more stritct environment! So I’ve decided to actually spend a lot of my time to studying to get PERFECT grades, and prepare myself as much as possible to get myself in an institution that is a perfect match for me! I can say that being here in school has been a test within itself. I have so much more freedom to do a lot of things. Hang out with friends, go on auditions, etc. I’ve really limited myself to just work and school. I’m really proud of myself for that. I see the growth from high school. I see how it feels to be comfortable with your surroundings, and work with people who are just as insane as you are. The amount of knowledge I am gaining is unbelieveable, and to admire so many people at once is breath-taking. With all that said, I do have to shine light on some of the things that are a struggle to deal with. One, inconsiderate, selfish, vain, pompous, self righteous, ignorant, and snobby people is not pleasing. That’s a true test of patience. I’m trying not to stoop to that level by going the fuck off, but its so hard to keep your mouth shut. I keep reminding myself that I can handle way worse things, and this shouldnt get to me. I also have to remember that a person will act that way because of the insecurities they may have. A person with those traits would never go far or succeed, because one, people will dislike you (especially in the entertainment business) You are putting YOURSELF in the way of success. It is a such thing as distracting yourself or holding yourself back from reaching a goal. Usually a person that is so vain, is that way because of what others think. Let what others think fly out the window. It’s garbage and should be of no importance to you. All this stuff I’m saying is what I say to myself. Back to a lighter subject. I’m happy to have a new beginning. I’m doing a lot of things that I wish I would have done last year, which is audition for a lot of my dream schools! I’m doing as much research as I possibly can, and taking as much advice as possible. I’m sacrificing like crazy just to continue to take private acting classes. Which in a way makes me feel good even though I am spending my whole savings and checkings, and EVERYTHING at work on them once everyother week. LOL….I know this will all pay off in the end. Atleast I pray it do, but Im pretty sure God wants me to go this route. Performing that is! I have a connection to it, and I just cant see myself doing anything else. Its such a cliche line, but its true and really means so much. I just really hope I can do this with my bestfriend by my side. I just wish I could inject the same enthusiasm I have inside of her. I understand that we are two different people, and have different paths, but its just my wish. I guess thats one of my own little selfish ways. God just give me strength!!! Well…this shall be continued another day…

Peace

Bernell Bjai Lassai

As I Go On. (Thank You's)

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 13:47:02 -0400

It’s midnight, and today will be my first one on one private acting class. I must admit I am very nervous. Even though I know that this teacher is there to help me. I am just nervous to find out where my ability stands. I wonder is it bad for me to have these wonders!? Even though I want him to basically lay it flat. Do I have what it takes to be in this industry or not?….. All I can do is pray for strength, and guidance. I hope to soak up all the knowledge that is offered to me. I also can’t forget to show my appreciation to the teachers I have worked with so far! Allen Edge, the first person to work with me on my VERY first monologue!!! I remember feeling so extremely confident and ready for any audition to come. I truly thank him for taking time out of his day to do that FOR FREE lol. Second is definitely Jackie Taylor from The Black Ensemble Theater! This was an actors workshop which was A BLAST. One of my biggest dreams is to still be in a BET production! I have so much love and respect for that theatre company, and I would just love to be apart of it. Jackie was so relatable, nurturing, and stern. I’ll never forget her workouts!! the sit-ups, push-ups, running up and down stairs, but it was all worth it. The Showcase was amazing, and she pulled something out of me that I didn’t know existed. Third, The wonderful, AMAZING, Talented, loving, and generous people at The Goodman Theatre (GTS). I will never forget you guys (Khanisha, Tony, Megan, Kevin, and Amanda). You guys are so gifted!!! You guys taught me that theatre is limitless. You can do anything that you want! lol. My imagination has expanded greatly because of you guys. I understand the importance of view pointing, and I keep that in mind every time I perform. Its so useful!! Also khanisha, and Megan for writing those lovely recommendation letters. WOW that was so kind!!! Now to Dr.Miracle!! Mr.Robert Eric West, my very first vocal instructor. I can’t explain the nervousness I had before working with him. I literally thought he was going to say….”you can’t sing, there is nothing to do with this!” no joke. Before I went to him, I’ve had so many people comment on my pitch-problems, sight reading, technique, and it all just killed my self-esteem when it came to my voice. Mr.West changed all of that. He taught me good technique, strengthened my pitch, and built a perfect collection of songs for me to sing. When ever you need him, he is ALWAYS there!!! He’s such a great person to be around, and really does make his environment feel like home. I love the fact that he was my voice coach, but also helped with my monologues, and stage presence!! I really do plan on working with Mr.West for a very long time! Now last, but definitely not least, Roberta Duchak. OMG…………….. I’ve only had four classes with her, but she has done WONDERS!!!!!! It’s pretty unexplainable. There were so many small things that I did that would limit my voice, things that I would have never noticed. She did, and she fixed them! It only takes a genius. I seriously can’t wait to begin her class this semester, and when this years round of auditions come. I definitely hope shes not busy lol.

So those are my thank you’s. I really do love all my artisitic teachers. They are literally the ones who made me who I am today. This blog isn’ even enough to actually express my appreciation. I know that there will be more people to add in the future. Like Richard Corley. I have a feeling that he will do great things!!!! I see a bright future, with the help of these amazing people…and God!

Bernell

Monologues

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 02:01:09 -0400

So I’ve finally fallen in love with two monologues. Now, I must learn them!!!! It’s so ironic that I am an actor, and FORGET THINGS ALL THE TIME!!! The process of me learning new material is a LONG and intense one. I just need to sit down, relax, and take myself into the setting of the piece. I think tomorrow, and the rest of the week would be the perfect time to memorize. I have a nice length flight tomorrow to Seattle. I promise myself that I will learn this monologue. I HAVE TO FOCUS!! Lol. The monologues are both extremely edgy. They are dramatic period pieces, and requires a full basket of emotions. Both monologues are explaining an event that happened in their past. I always seem to gravitate towards those kind of monologues, but I think they bring out the best of me. I can not wait to show these to my acting coach!!! I’ve also made the decision to get an acting coach. I might as well put my paychecks to good use, lol. I’m so freaking nervous, but I will be sure to tell him to tell me the COMPLETE truth!!! For some reason I am starting to think that people are telling me things that I WANT to hear, and it’s time for the truth, even if it is something that I might not like…. Well I must get back to packing!!!

Because I Can't Sleep...

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 03:28:23 -0400

Because I can’t sleep I thought it would be productive to write a blog. It would waste time, and get some things that were lingering in my mind out into the open. First thing, I LOVE MY JOB. I absolutely LOVE Macy’s, while there are some glitches and kinds that needs to be straightened the most part I lovem My. Job. Seeing different people everyday, making people feel good about themselves, and seeing so many different fashion styles. After being released from such a conservative upbringing, and being raised in the catholic educational system, you begin to see the rest of the world and how free it is. I am always in complete amazement at how creative people can get in their appereance, and it is becoming so inspiring. It makes me want to go write a song or script. It makes me want to go home and hone my craft or something. I’ve met sooooo many artist since working there! It is a great network of actors involved with theatre there!

Aside from Macy’s, my other job as an actor is surviving. I made the choice not to really audition for anything. I think I just need time to myself right now. To discover myself, and find different ways to explore roles. I am going to make an effort from now on through the rest of the year to read a lot more. I have started back reading monologues just so i could get sort of a fresh start. I think I will start taking an acting class very very very soon. I must say that ironically enough studying acting and singing is starting to get addicting! I just love going to these great professionals and picking their brains for knowledge. I think it is such a selfless act for a successfull individual to give up their time to help someone else succeed! I am so unbelieveable greatful for some of the acting and vocal teachers I’ve had. I swear when I’m feeling down, they always get me right back up, and give that much needed push! I have such a busy busy busy year. I have a lot of preparation, studying, and work to get ready for. I just definitely need to allow God to come through me….I need to pray for strength!!! I am making a decision that is going to require me to sacrifice a lot, but I am willing to sacrifice things for my dream.

I have to be honest that even though this my blog, and I am supposed to say everything that is my mind. I am holding back somethings. Not because I am afraid to say them, but because I am afraid to jinx myself. It seems like when I talk about something that I am extremely excited about it becomes jinxed. It could easily be something else, but I would say its me just being jinxed. So I am going to leave something to myself. lol I am just rambling. Goodnight.